Frankly Speaking

Parental Guidance

Now I’m not talking about physical differences of course. I’m not that stupid. There are other, more meaningful distinctions to be drawn between one’s child and one’s VW Golf. They are distinctions that I will elaborate upon now and which preclude the essence of your very argument. Because as you will see, cars and children are like chalk and cheese.

For starters, Prime Minister, becoming a driver is a life-changing decision that requires a tremendous amount of forethought. You have to really decide that you want the hassle of having a car. You don’t just jump in. And then you don’t just get yourself any car. It’s not like having children - you cannot have a car by accident. That in itself is good reason why you need lessons before you can start to drive. But lessons to rear kids? Rather less necessary I think.

A car is a commitment; it's not just for Christmas. Cars need regular servicing, oil checks, tyre changes, MOTs. You need to weigh up if you really need a car before you go out and ‘have’ one. You need to be fully prepared for what is to come.

Cars require constant care and attention. They go rusty if not properly tended to, they develop leaks and faults and worn-out clutches. They need the right sort of petrol – you can’t feed your unleaded-only with any old cheapo diesel. It won’t run and you’ll be facing a hefty bill at the mechanics.

Kids, on the other hand, will eat almost anything provided that they are hungry enough. They’ll still work ok. In fact, you’ll find that the cheaper the stuff you feed them, the more of it they’ll eat.

You can park your kids pretty much anywhere too - there’s no chance of finding a neatly folded PCN under their windscreen wiper.

It’s pretty obvious, Mr. Prime Minister, that driving a car takes a great deal more responsibility than having kids. And if you think about it, it’s the law itself, the law of the government that you run, that backs this up.

For example, you can’t start driving until you are seventeen. You’ll be prosecuted if you’re under that age. But you can have yourself kids, legally, at sixteen. And I’ve yet to hear of anything happening to the girls who pop one out before then either.

Furthermore, you can’t drive when under the influence of alcohol or drugs, which makes perfect sense. It’s other people’s lives we’re playing with here.

But you can have kids.

So whilst it’s clear that cars require care and respect and a responsible adult to take charge of them, it’s not immediately obvious that children do.

You shouldn’t have compared children to cars, Mr. Cameron, you really shouldn’t have. A child is to be taken far less seriously than a car, and that’s something that’s unlikely to change. Not unless you’re thinking of introducing a fine for reckless parenting.